A Youkai Academy Tradition
by ficlord
Summary: A high school satire. The humor is very dark. Oneshot.


(I do not own the rights to _Rosario to Vampire__. _I actually went to some pretty easy-going, rural high schools where the people treated each other relatively well compared to how urban teens treat each other. Does anybody remember Columbine? It happened for a _reason, _and it wasn't violence on TV or video games. Still, anti-intellectualism and an exaggerated concern for athletics over academics is rampant in rural areas, even though South Dakota has far better academics than, say, California - which I think does not so much disprove my point as say something about the sad state of affairs in California.)

* * *

_A Youkai Academy Tradition_

_OR_

_It's All About the Tentacle Rape_

It was sometime after school when Tsukune, Kurumu, Shizore and Yukari were talking and walking together while heading to the newspaper club meeting when they heard cries coming from one of the classrooms. The cries sounded familiar - indeed, they sounded just like a missing member of their group, Moka Akashiya, the vampire whose powers were sealed by a Rosario. They dashed to the classroom, only to behold a horrifying sight.

"Help!" Moka cried. "Tsukune! Another one of my crazed fans is attempting to force himself upon me!"

"We've got to do something," Tsukune said. "Moka-san is being raped by some sort of… tentacle monster!"

Normally at this point, Tsukune's harem would leap into action and attempt to free Moka from her tormentor. However, the response was different this time.

"So what do you expect _us _to do?" Kurumu asked.

Tsukune turned on the blue-haired succubus, startled. "What do you mean?"

"If we go in there, we'd just get raped, too," Kurumu said.

"Besides," Mizore said, "this sort of thing is only to be expected at Youkai Academy."

Tsukune was taken aback. "But this is a violent assault on her personal dignity!"

Mizore shrugged. "So is freshman initiation."

Tsukune said, "But _everyone _has to go through freshman initiation."

"And every female student at Youkai Academy has to submit to tentacle rape."

Kurumu crossed her arms beneath her plentiful breasts and nodded. "It's a school tradition."

Tsukune face-faulted. "You're kidding!"

"It's not _that_ bad," Mizore said.

"It's sort of like having a sudden orgy with several men, only less consensual," Kurumu explained.

"Moka-san!" Yukari cried. "_I_ wanted to be the one to deflower you!"

"Ah! I'm sorry Yukari-chan…!" Moka screamed back. "_It's tooooo laaaaate…!_"

"This is horrible!" Tsukune yelled, clenching his fists. "To think that the school actually _condones _tentacle rape, it's... it's -"

"Oh, no - no one 'condones' it _officially_," Kurumu said. "No more than anyone 'condones' stripping the freshman naked, duct-taping them to lampposts, and gagging them with used tampons. It's just that if a freshman somehow made it through their first year _without _suffering such a fate, they would become a pariah."

"So it's really for her own sake that Moka needs to do this," Mizore said. "You wouldn't want her to be an outcast who never got tentacle raped, would you?"

"Traditions like high school initiation, tentacle rape, voting for an aristocracy - all these depend upon the culture surrounding the school," Kurumu said. "If you, say, tried calling off the prom or reducing the athletics budget, you'd get a lot of angry calls from parents. Cut the art class and make choir the only credit to fill in the fine arts requirement, and no one will care. And who even notices that there's no such thing as a history club or social science club? You can't blame the _faculty _for something like this. At least, not _always._"

"Kotsubo-sensei was a strong supporter of tentacle rape," Mizore said with a shiver.

Kurumu nodded. "If you think school has anything to do with teaching children important life skills, or instilling a moral sensibility, then you don't understand the modern school system _at all_. It's all about carrying on pointless traditions."

"It's about worshipping the physically strong and attractive," Mizore added.

"It's about demeaning yourself for the sake of acceptance," Yukari chimed in.

"In other words," Kurumu said, "it's all about the tentacle rape."

Moka's voice cried out, "Oh no! No! _No!_"

"I don't get it." Tsukune braced his head with his hands, feeling dizzy. "The _whole point_ of going to school is to be raped by a tentacle monster?"

"Exactly," Mizore said.

"Otherwise, we might as well stay at home," Kurumu said.

Yukari shrugged. "It's not like any of us are _learning _anything here."

A moment later the screams died down and the monster went on its merry way.

"Uwaaah!" Moka moaned. He pink hair was disheveled, and she was completely nude except for a thick coating of juices secreted by herself and the monster. "Tsukune! I can no longer be a bride!"


End file.
